Here be dragons

I used to grumble about routine medical appointments. But it was a routine mammogram a couple of weeks ago which picked up early DCIS – noninvasive breast cancer.  Immediately the health machinery was set in motion. The mammogram results took less than fortnight, the biopsy and follow-up appointment were made pronto presto. My GP was informed. I had a meeting with the surgeon less than a week after the follow-up appointment.

I appreciate the medical team who are working to support me – and that it takes a team of professionals with different specialities to guide a patient through this undesirable journey. It’s been a humbling and frankly terrifying experience and there are new challenges on the horizon – such as radiotherapy – which I’ll have to manage while working and caring (with my husband’s fantastic help) for my 94 year old mother. Every step is into the unknown (´Here be dragons’ as the old maps used to say) and dogged by questions. Will it recur? How will I cope with radiotherapy? Can I make it easier – a freezer of food, regular meditation, yoga? How resilient am I?

And the big one – can I see this as an opportunity for change rather than a devastating crisis?

Fortunately before all this news broke, I’d already booked a mental health assessment – so I’m welcoming another professional to my team – a psychologist whose warm, calm voice reminded me of other women who were important to my life – in particular my dear friends Joanne Lee Dow, with whom I taught, (but mostly learnt from!) and fellow-poets, Aileen Kelly and Judith Rodriguez – such intelligent,  compassionate women. Although I was closer to Joanne and Aileen, it was Judith who came into a recent dream – and thank you for that – I needed to be dream-held.

Although I can’t remember Barbara Giles’s voice but I do remember the phone calls she made to me when I was a young mother of a chronically ill baby and how grateful I was for her news of the poetry world and her championing of me.

I’m leaning into my memories of these women – travel guides, spiritual advisers, stalwart companions.

In the meantime the Winter Shelf  has become The Shelf of Solace.

I’ve done twenty-seven consecutive days of journal prompts from The Book of Alchemy and have done a hairpin turn on the Shelf of Solace into the Tudor world of Philipa Gregory. I will have to slide Hilary Mantel onto the shelf as well. I loved Wolf Hall so much. Why didn’t I continue with the series? I think I simply didn’t want to witness the downfall of Thomas Cromwell who Mantel had made into such a clever, thoughtful and engaging character.